It had to be done

Veterans day weekend 2016 my husband Joe and I made a bucket list trip. We headed to Texas, to visit Jon. Spc. Jonathan Stehle was soldier who served along side my husband. They both served in 1/1 Cav. On November 2002 during a training accident Jon moved in with Jesus and my husband and many others were left with putting the pieces together of how this accident would impact them the rest of their lives. My husband is permanently disabled because he tried to save his friend. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE A BROTHER BEHIND!! He had to so he could get the care he needed, which weighed heavily on his heart. He never saw the medics take Jon away, or watched him be laid to rest. That is what brings us to Texas. We visited Jon's grave after 14 years of avoiding it, whether intentional or not. I know where Jon is and I believe with all my heart that he is in the arms of his Savior. To Joe and I we needed to visit Jon. We needed to know that Jon was laid to rest in peace, that he made it home. This has opened my grief wide open.

First I felt instant relief. I felt like the band aid on my heart was taken off, a scab formed, and eventually a scar will form. I felt like a weight came off me and I could breath again.

Second I wondered why did it so long to grieve. Then I allowed myself to go back to that difficult time and examine things. Honestly, I didn't have time to think about grief. I had to step into gear and take care of Joe. He couldn't walk up the 6 flights of stairs to our apartment so I had to piggy back him up to our apartment. I had to book lots of medical appointments, prepare for a deployment, raise a toddler etc. I chose to play the game of life and that became a new normal and habit. I had to take care of those who needed me most. I am not bragging about my responsibilities, I am blessed to have them. I am saying that sometimes we are presented with challenges that put things on the back burner. I didn't grieve the loss of any soldier I lost until 3 years ago. I almost lost everything I held dear, because I became callous and cold. I chose to take a sludge hammer to the walls in my life and feel. Really feel, be vulnerable, feel pain, really cry, and just grieve. Grief is it's own animal. I have learned so much. My favorite thing that I learned that I can let go but I don't have to say good bye. I have learned to just ride the waves of grief and heal.

The third happened a few days after we got home in my mind I kept seeing Jon's casket draped with an American flag getting off an airplane. My brain and my body finally excepted that he is home and at peace with his Savior.

I don't know how this will effect my grief long term. I do know that my grief is not going in the same circle over and over. I feel like the circle is broken and I can walk forward. Even though we love and miss those who paid the ultimate sacrifice we know we will see them again!

Dear Jon Letter

Dear Jon,
   It is amazing to me how 13 hard years don't seem so long ago. You were taken from us, in our minds, way too to early. You on the other hand you are probably thankful because now you are in the presence of your Savior everyday. This is the second year that I have chosen to grieve. Grief is odd to me, and I am realizing how powerful our minds are when allow ourselves to let go. I am having odd dreams about water, but I know I am letting go of the accident.

Life after your accident hasn't been easy for those you left behind. For me I think one of the hardest things I have had to grieve, besides your death was the lose of who my husband was. Many of your brothers in arms changed that night for good and bad. Before the accident my husband was a long distance runner. A good one at that. He would run for what seemed like forever. All that was taken from him that dark day in November. I watched my husband turn into an old man almost over night it seemed. The prognosis wasn't good. For 11 years Joe has sought help to help him deal with your death and OIF. In those years so many doors have been opened doors for him to "heal." He has walked through many of those, but for me as his wife the greatest is he now has his freedom back, his athleticism, his stamina, his drive. It started in Germany a bit when he would ride his bike, but that love took off over a year ago thanks to Wounded Warriors Soldier ride. He met other disabled vets who came to Seattle for one purpose and that was to ride their bicycles all weekend with support staff from WWP. That ride opened the door for him to get an amazing deal on a good bike one that was the right weight so he can hold it up with his legs. This summer he did another intense ride with some vets. In that weekend he rode for miles. In one day he rode over 40 miles. At home the average he rides is from 20-50 miles a week. You see, what I thought was taken away was just being fine tuned. Instead of his legs he has pedals.  He can go places he never can go by walking, due to his nerve damage but biking sets him free to explore and not be so housebound like he once was.

I see the world differently now. If one thing has been taken away how can you find it again, but differently. You may have been gone 13 years, but I have only allowed myself to grieve and heal for 2 and will continue to heal for as many years as need be. Sadly, there are some of your brothers in arms who haven't healed. Some blame themselves for what happened, other seek out hero worship, some think that they are man enough to handle it, and some think it is ok to grieve and have allowed themselves to do so. I pray they all find peace. I know that you are proud of all your brothers in arms who tried to save you, but the Lord had other plans. I am at peace with that, because I have learned the true meaning of "When God closes a door another one opens." I hope your other brothers have and will do the same. Thank you Jon!

The worst word

I started this blog post a month ago and have taken my time to write this

There is a word that is worst word we use. This word is dangerous, painful, promotes death, kills your soul, creates monsters, promotes ignorance, creates divide and tears apart nations....it does much more then I could type. What word is it? The word is HATE.

hate

/hverb (used with object), hated, hating.

1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest:

to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.

2. to be unwilling; dislike:

I hate to do it.

verb (used without object), hated, hating.

3.to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

noun

4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

adjective

6. noting or relating to acts that are motivated by hatred, prejudice, or intolerance:

a hate crime; hate mail.

 

Hate is a poisonous word...like a worm in an apple or a slug in your garden. It keeps eating away until there is nothing left.
 

My heart has been inflamed with the amount of hate there is especially as of late.There was a really dark time in my life the spring/summer of 2011, during that time I questioned everything I belived in. I decided that I needed to figure out exactly who this Jesus was who I believed in because the alternative was getting angry with Him and walking away from everything I believed. So I got my Bible read through the book of John first and I was amazed. The one thing that stood out above the rest was the amount of love Jesus poured out on EVERYONE. No one is excluded from the everyone.  I am a Christian woman who chooses to follows Jesus. I choose to follow Jesus' example. Joe and I have made it our mission to love ALL people. That doesn't mean we have to agree with everything they choose believe in, just like they don't have to agree with all that we believe in, we like to build friendships on love. Because of that we have met some of the most awesome people. The saying that our kiddos have heard from a very young age is "when you cut someone's skin you realize we all bleed the same color. The inside of a person it the most important part"

I know that hate in this world is going to get worse and worse. It will continue to divide people and destroy beautiful lives. My hope is that one day I will see love win out over hate. It is funny to me that the simplest act of choosing to love or understand someone is so hard to perform when one has so much hate built up inside. I love these two sayings from Dr. King:

As I close this post I want you to think on this.....If today was your very last day here on this earth would you want to die with a heart full of hate or a heart that chooses to love? I choose to live each day like it is my last....to me that is how LOVE WINS!!

The meaning of it.....

This post has been a long time coming. The timing never felt right until now. This post isn't something that was thought up overnight, rather it was something brewing like a volcano. I was waiting for a bad irruption, but ended up with a mild lava flow....let me explain. I hope you can take something away from this....

November 8, 2002 was by far mine and lots of other people's worst day. Let me tell you about it in a short blip. There was a military training accident on the southeastern side of Germany. In the morning a tank was headed out for drivers training. The tank unexpectedly hit a sink hole trapping the driver. The weather outside was hovering right around frigid. My husband along with many other brave soldiers did what they could to save the driver. My husband was in freezing cold water for about four hours before being forced out by the chaplain. Spc. Sthele who was trapped in the tank died of hypothermia.

Over the last 12 years I have bottled up my grief and let life "go on" and never dealt with what I struggling with head on. Finally this October major changes for happened and the vault exploded. I finally asked these questions out loud to my hubby.
How can I let go?
What about what I lost that day?
Why is all the focus on you?
other questions formed out of these three major question. You may be asking or thinking I am selfish by asking what I lost that day? Yes, we lost a great soldier, there is no question there. That day I got the phone call NO spouse ever wants to receive: "Ma'am I don't think your husband will make it through the night." I waited for 36 long hours to find out he was indeed alive. Not ok, but alive. Joe has severe nerve damage in his right leg and a little in his left. He still suffers the effects of hypothermia. I asked my hubby that night when all this came out and said why and how can you be ok. What he said changed me:
"Christina I would gladly do it all over again. I am okay with taking the constant daily pain from the accident, because I knew that what Jon had to home to and the pain that would follow. He is in a much better place and most importantly he is happy. The pain of that day had to go somewhere and I am ok carrying it. Somebody had to do."
I was dumfounded, confused, and hurt. What he said touched me but I was still angry from the grief boiling up. I decided that I would take the next month and really process things. The rest of October came and went with a lot of this still bogging my mind. At the beginning of November I DECIDED to let go. You see what I learned is that with grief is that you don't arrive at a place and then let go, you have to choose to arrive and let go and be ok with it. YOU HAVE TO SURRENDER YOUR PAIN, walk away and most importantly smile. I let go of all the hurt, grief, unanswered questions. Part of what helped me was I imagined myself standing in front of Jon and explaining why I was carrying all this around. He wouldn't want me or anyone to live life like that. Are you ready to arrive?This November 8th, which happens to be my birthday, I chose to celebrate my birthday for the first time in 12 years. I didn't think of the accident until later that night.

The other HUGE part of the healing process is a tattoo....not on me but Joe. I chose to buy a memorial tattoo for my hubby. It was our way of saying we have let go but never we will never forget. For me and I am sure I can speak for Joe as well this tat is closure. Right now it ends at his elbow but come spring or summer it will extend down to his wrist. I kiss this tattoo as a reminder of all those questions that will not be answered this side of heaven. I know my husband will continue to loose his mobility and one day may be bound to a wheel chair and/or loose his right leg, but I kiss his tattoo as a way saying I am ok with what could happen, and I will still be by your side. I kiss it as a reminder that life is short, life is precious, and you must life everyday to the fullest....

Thank you to everyone involved in the rescue, whether it be in the water, driving the rescue vehicles, staying next to Jon before he passed, or whatever other job needed to be done you all did everything you could, but there was a divine plan for his life and it wasn't meant for him to live one more day. This is isn't an accident where one soldier did more then the rest, you all are hero's for what you did that day!! Like the saying goes "ALL GAVE SOME, SOME GAVE ALL." Thank you. Rest in peace Jon. I am proud to have known you!

Not a hero....

I am normally not one to jump on a bandwagon and get all up in arms about stuff i hear in media....except this. The recent "POW" who was released. He isn't a hero in my eyes. I have read NUMEROUS articles on this and if that many people and soldiers are saying the very same thing through so many outlets it is hard to not be believe them as truth.

That gentleman who was released is a fool. He walked away from his unit...AWOL. Yet some say he deserves a POW medal. A deserter doesn't deserve recognition he deserves the punishment that comes from walking away from your unit. Him walking away caused lives to be lost trying to find him. They had to create new missions to try and find this man, and lives were lost. Someone lost their son, husband, fiancee, boyfriend, best friend, battle buddy all because he walked away.

I remember at the start of the war in 2003 us wives on base were invited to go a meeting about deployment and what this all will mean for our families. I remember watching a video and the man on the tv was wearing a red rag on his head and he said: "I will get you America from the inside out." 11 years later  I can still hear his accent laden voice saying that and the anger in his eyes. I also remember in that meeting they were listing off what will happen and what is expected if you spouse become a POW. Article three of the POW code of conduct states:

Article III

If I am captured I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and to aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy.

I remember listening to the speaker read off each article and the explanation  It was a little scary and a lot to digest. It also made the deployment seem more real. Obviously this man didn't follow this rule. 

I never have liked our current president. I feel like his goal is cause harm to our nation not make it any better. He is doing a good job at it. Don't get me wrong I am still proud to be an American, I just don't agree with our government at all. After this gentleman's release it became known that we traded him for the release of some big wig terrorists. Hello, does anyone remember when it was started that will not enter negotiations or talks of trade with known terrorists  But Obama did it any. I think that this gentleman who was released will cause harm to this country. In time he was "held captive" how do we know he didn't plan an attack on our great nation. He was the one who walked away in the first place. Were his motives pure and honest...it doesn't seem like that. I am curious to see how this all places out.

The definition of a hero is this: a person of great strength and courage. Hero's are those who serve our country honestly, those who stand in the face of danger in hope to save another (like the kids at SPU who subdued the gunman from harming more) our first responders etc. Not some jackhole who walked away from his unit...

Mother's Day

Today Joe and I dropped our son off for a C.A.P. interview then I had a fabulous date with our daughter to the American Girl Store (an experience every young lady should have) It got me thinking about what it truly means to be a mother.

This is what I try and follow as a mom:

1. Available. We have to be available 24/7 for our kiddos. They have so many dreams and goals, we need to be available to help those take flight. Available means putting down the phone, shut off the computer and focus on them.

2. Listen. We need to listen not just to what their mouths are saying, but what their heart is saying. We need to pay attention and listen to their precious hearts.

3. Communicate. Have an open relationship with your kiddos (healthy boundaries of course) Let them speak their mind freely then if need be correct them or give parental advice. Allow yourself to open up and speak freely as well. They can glean from your experience.

4. Apologize. This is one of the most important things we can do when it comes to a healthy relationship. Pride can get in the way and we think cause we are parents we don't have to apologize. If we expect our kiddos to make thing right when they mess up we should do the same.

5. Fun. Do fun things and get to know your kiddos outside the seriousness of life. They need to laugh and be kiddos. They need to be silly, blabber on and on, get "high" off soda. I like when my kiddos get all wound up and the giggles and snorts come out.

6. Fail. We have this rule in our house" You will fail and be ok with failing, BUT  you need to pick yourself up, and learn where you went wrong. Then when the problem arises again you already have tools to make sure you succeed." You will be stronger in the long run!

7. Love. Love with every ounce you have, not with money or stuff. Just your words, hugs, and kisses will do. Always be quick to say "i love you"

8. Dates. Go on "dates with your kiddos. Get to know them as the little people God created them to be. They have beautiful personalities and talents. This is one of my favorite things to do with my kiddos!!

9.Example. Try to be the example your kiddos will follow into their adulthood. Teach them morals and kindness. An example of love and loving people will make this world a bit better.

10. Breath. I am not a perfect mom, and I don't have perfect kiddos, but they love me just the way I am and think I am fabulous. I think the same thing of my kiddos!!

I would never ever in my life trade the job of motherhood for anything else. I believe that my whole purpose in life was to be a mom and wife. I love it so much. I am blessed with the kiddos I have and love watching them grow up into adults. I enjoy the hard days, you know the ones where you are so frustrated that you wanna pull your hair out and wish unpleasant thoughts ( we all have them) to the days that are pure bliss and almost perfect and every day in between. We will rob ourselves the joy of motherhood if we live through our children, make our dreams comes true through our children but if we walk along side them, listen to them, and their dreams then teach/equip them as to what they can do to make them flourish (even if they change) then we will see their true potential. It is beautiful watching our son going after his dream of flying. He said he never ever wanted to be in the military, well for the last 3 years that dream has changed and he wants to fly and serve our country. Our daughter changes her mind almost daily, the one we are stuck on now is music. We shall see what comes of it. I am glad to be alongside them watching and listening! Thank you Lord for my family.

January 21, 2000

January 21, 2000...a Friday night. A young soldier comes home from work to his very pregnant fiance and says "lets do this". So they got "dressed up" and went down to a small chapel to devoted their lives to each other...though at the time they expected this to be temporary but deep in their hearts past all the fears and the world stacked against them they hoped this would be forever. 14 years later their hearts are still united as one!

 

 

Happy Anniversary to my one and only love. Our deep friendship is is the glue that holds us together!! We are blessed to have made it thus far. 

This is mine and Joe's song. Our favorite movie when we first started dating was Hope Floats ( we still love that movie). We dubbed this our song in 1998 sung by Garth Brooks, but to be honest Adele does a much better job!!