November 8, 2002 was by far mine and lots of other people's worst day. Let me tell you about it in a short blip. There was a military training accident on the southeastern side of Germany. In the morning a tank was headed out for drivers training. The tank unexpectedly hit a sink hole trapping the driver. The weather outside was hovering right around frigid. My husband along with many other brave soldiers did what they could to save the driver. My husband was in freezing cold water for about four hours before being forced out by the chaplain. Spc. Sthele who was trapped in the tank died of hypothermia.
Over the last 12 years I have bottled up my grief and let life "go on" and never dealt with what I struggling with head on. Finally this October major changes for happened and the vault exploded. I finally asked these questions out loud to my hubby.
How can I let go?
What about what I lost that day?
Why is all the focus on you?
other questions formed out of these three major question. You may be asking or thinking I am selfish by asking what I lost that day? Yes, we lost a great soldier, there is no question there. That day I got the phone call NO spouse ever wants to receive: "Ma'am I don't think your husband will make it through the night." I waited for 36 long hours to find out he was indeed alive. Not ok, but alive. Joe has severe nerve damage in his right leg and a little in his left. He still suffers the effects of hypothermia. I asked my hubby that night when all this came out and said why and how can you be ok. What he said changed me:
"Christina I would gladly do it all over again. I am okay with taking the constant daily pain from the accident, because I knew that what Jon had to home to and the pain that would follow. He is in a much better place and most importantly he is happy. The pain of that day had to go somewhere and I am ok carrying it. Somebody had to do."
I was dumfounded, confused, and hurt. What he said touched me but I was still angry from the grief boiling up. I decided that I would take the next month and really process things. The rest of October came and went with a lot of this still bogging my mind. At the beginning of November I DECIDED to let go. You see what I learned is that with grief is that you don't arrive at a place and then let go, you have to choose to arrive and let go and be ok with it. YOU HAVE TO SURRENDER YOUR PAIN, walk away and most importantly smile. I let go of all the hurt, grief, unanswered questions. Part of what helped me was I imagined myself standing in front of Jon and explaining why I was carrying all this around. He wouldn't want me or anyone to live life like that. Are you ready to arrive?This November 8th, which happens to be my birthday, I chose to celebrate my birthday for the first time in 12 years. I didn't think of the accident until later that night.
The other HUGE part of the healing process is a tattoo....not on me but Joe. I chose to buy a memorial tattoo for my hubby. It was our way of saying we have let go but never we will never forget. For me and I am sure I can speak for Joe as well this tat is closure. Right now it ends at his elbow but come spring or summer it will extend down to his wrist. I kiss this tattoo as a reminder of all those questions that will not be answered this side of heaven. I know my husband will continue to loose his mobility and one day may be bound to a wheel chair and/or loose his right leg, but I kiss his tattoo as a way saying I am ok with what could happen, and I will still be by your side. I kiss it as a reminder that life is short, life is precious, and you must life everyday to the fullest....
Thank you to everyone involved in the rescue, whether it be in the water, driving the rescue vehicles, staying next to Jon before he passed, or whatever other job needed to be done you all did everything you could, but there was a divine plan for his life and it wasn't meant for him to live one more day. This is isn't an accident where one soldier did more then the rest, you all are hero's for what you did that day!! Like the saying goes "ALL GAVE SOME, SOME GAVE ALL." Thank you. Rest in peace Jon. I am proud to have known you!
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