Dear Jon Letter

Dear Jon,
   It is amazing to me how 13 hard years don't seem so long ago. You were taken from us, in our minds, way too to early. You on the other hand you are probably thankful because now you are in the presence of your Savior everyday. This is the second year that I have chosen to grieve. Grief is odd to me, and I am realizing how powerful our minds are when allow ourselves to let go. I am having odd dreams about water, but I know I am letting go of the accident.

Life after your accident hasn't been easy for those you left behind. For me I think one of the hardest things I have had to grieve, besides your death was the lose of who my husband was. Many of your brothers in arms changed that night for good and bad. Before the accident my husband was a long distance runner. A good one at that. He would run for what seemed like forever. All that was taken from him that dark day in November. I watched my husband turn into an old man almost over night it seemed. The prognosis wasn't good. For 11 years Joe has sought help to help him deal with your death and OIF. In those years so many doors have been opened doors for him to "heal." He has walked through many of those, but for me as his wife the greatest is he now has his freedom back, his athleticism, his stamina, his drive. It started in Germany a bit when he would ride his bike, but that love took off over a year ago thanks to Wounded Warriors Soldier ride. He met other disabled vets who came to Seattle for one purpose and that was to ride their bicycles all weekend with support staff from WWP. That ride opened the door for him to get an amazing deal on a good bike one that was the right weight so he can hold it up with his legs. This summer he did another intense ride with some vets. In that weekend he rode for miles. In one day he rode over 40 miles. At home the average he rides is from 20-50 miles a week. You see, what I thought was taken away was just being fine tuned. Instead of his legs he has pedals.  He can go places he never can go by walking, due to his nerve damage but biking sets him free to explore and not be so housebound like he once was.

I see the world differently now. If one thing has been taken away how can you find it again, but differently. You may have been gone 13 years, but I have only allowed myself to grieve and heal for 2 and will continue to heal for as many years as need be. Sadly, there are some of your brothers in arms who haven't healed. Some blame themselves for what happened, other seek out hero worship, some think that they are man enough to handle it, and some think it is ok to grieve and have allowed themselves to do so. I pray they all find peace. I know that you are proud of all your brothers in arms who tried to save you, but the Lord had other plans. I am at peace with that, because I have learned the true meaning of "When God closes a door another one opens." I hope your other brothers have and will do the same. Thank you Jon!

The worst word

I started this blog post a month ago and have taken my time to write this

There is a word that is worst word we use. This word is dangerous, painful, promotes death, kills your soul, creates monsters, promotes ignorance, creates divide and tears apart nations....it does much more then I could type. What word is it? The word is HATE.

hate

/hverb (used with object), hated, hating.

1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest:

to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.

2. to be unwilling; dislike:

I hate to do it.

verb (used without object), hated, hating.

3.to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

noun

4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

adjective

6. noting or relating to acts that are motivated by hatred, prejudice, or intolerance:

a hate crime; hate mail.

 

Hate is a poisonous word...like a worm in an apple or a slug in your garden. It keeps eating away until there is nothing left.
 

My heart has been inflamed with the amount of hate there is especially as of late.There was a really dark time in my life the spring/summer of 2011, during that time I questioned everything I belived in. I decided that I needed to figure out exactly who this Jesus was who I believed in because the alternative was getting angry with Him and walking away from everything I believed. So I got my Bible read through the book of John first and I was amazed. The one thing that stood out above the rest was the amount of love Jesus poured out on EVERYONE. No one is excluded from the everyone.  I am a Christian woman who chooses to follows Jesus. I choose to follow Jesus' example. Joe and I have made it our mission to love ALL people. That doesn't mean we have to agree with everything they choose believe in, just like they don't have to agree with all that we believe in, we like to build friendships on love. Because of that we have met some of the most awesome people. The saying that our kiddos have heard from a very young age is "when you cut someone's skin you realize we all bleed the same color. The inside of a person it the most important part"

I know that hate in this world is going to get worse and worse. It will continue to divide people and destroy beautiful lives. My hope is that one day I will see love win out over hate. It is funny to me that the simplest act of choosing to love or understand someone is so hard to perform when one has so much hate built up inside. I love these two sayings from Dr. King:

As I close this post I want you to think on this.....If today was your very last day here on this earth would you want to die with a heart full of hate or a heart that chooses to love? I choose to live each day like it is my last....to me that is how LOVE WINS!!

The meaning of it.....

This post has been a long time coming. The timing never felt right until now. This post isn't something that was thought up overnight, rather it was something brewing like a volcano. I was waiting for a bad irruption, but ended up with a mild lava flow....let me explain. I hope you can take something away from this....

November 8, 2002 was by far mine and lots of other people's worst day. Let me tell you about it in a short blip. There was a military training accident on the southeastern side of Germany. In the morning a tank was headed out for drivers training. The tank unexpectedly hit a sink hole trapping the driver. The weather outside was hovering right around frigid. My husband along with many other brave soldiers did what they could to save the driver. My husband was in freezing cold water for about four hours before being forced out by the chaplain. Spc. Sthele who was trapped in the tank died of hypothermia.

Over the last 12 years I have bottled up my grief and let life "go on" and never dealt with what I struggling with head on. Finally this October major changes for happened and the vault exploded. I finally asked these questions out loud to my hubby.
How can I let go?
What about what I lost that day?
Why is all the focus on you?
other questions formed out of these three major question. You may be asking or thinking I am selfish by asking what I lost that day? Yes, we lost a great soldier, there is no question there. That day I got the phone call NO spouse ever wants to receive: "Ma'am I don't think your husband will make it through the night." I waited for 36 long hours to find out he was indeed alive. Not ok, but alive. Joe has severe nerve damage in his right leg and a little in his left. He still suffers the effects of hypothermia. I asked my hubby that night when all this came out and said why and how can you be ok. What he said changed me:
"Christina I would gladly do it all over again. I am okay with taking the constant daily pain from the accident, because I knew that what Jon had to home to and the pain that would follow. He is in a much better place and most importantly he is happy. The pain of that day had to go somewhere and I am ok carrying it. Somebody had to do."
I was dumfounded, confused, and hurt. What he said touched me but I was still angry from the grief boiling up. I decided that I would take the next month and really process things. The rest of October came and went with a lot of this still bogging my mind. At the beginning of November I DECIDED to let go. You see what I learned is that with grief is that you don't arrive at a place and then let go, you have to choose to arrive and let go and be ok with it. YOU HAVE TO SURRENDER YOUR PAIN, walk away and most importantly smile. I let go of all the hurt, grief, unanswered questions. Part of what helped me was I imagined myself standing in front of Jon and explaining why I was carrying all this around. He wouldn't want me or anyone to live life like that. Are you ready to arrive?This November 8th, which happens to be my birthday, I chose to celebrate my birthday for the first time in 12 years. I didn't think of the accident until later that night.

The other HUGE part of the healing process is a tattoo....not on me but Joe. I chose to buy a memorial tattoo for my hubby. It was our way of saying we have let go but never we will never forget. For me and I am sure I can speak for Joe as well this tat is closure. Right now it ends at his elbow but come spring or summer it will extend down to his wrist. I kiss this tattoo as a reminder of all those questions that will not be answered this side of heaven. I know my husband will continue to loose his mobility and one day may be bound to a wheel chair and/or loose his right leg, but I kiss his tattoo as a way saying I am ok with what could happen, and I will still be by your side. I kiss it as a reminder that life is short, life is precious, and you must life everyday to the fullest....

Thank you to everyone involved in the rescue, whether it be in the water, driving the rescue vehicles, staying next to Jon before he passed, or whatever other job needed to be done you all did everything you could, but there was a divine plan for his life and it wasn't meant for him to live one more day. This is isn't an accident where one soldier did more then the rest, you all are hero's for what you did that day!! Like the saying goes "ALL GAVE SOME, SOME GAVE ALL." Thank you. Rest in peace Jon. I am proud to have known you!