Who am I?

i wrote this yesterday and shared it with Joe...he told me to type it up and put it on my blog...so here it is
This is unedited, I am typing everything as it was written down, no changes....

Trauma and life's "formula" for right living have zapped every ounce of identity out of me. When did I stop having fun? I don't know when.

I grew up in a fishbowl, I thought I broke it but instead I made it bigger. Being a military wife for about 8 years the demands for a schedule took over. After dealing with trauma the planner really really kicked in. The dr.'s apts 2 hours away, had to plan meals, gas. These were frequent. The field training's took planning. All that turned into a mafia in my life. I lost more and more of me making sure smiles and fake "i am ok's" floated around me. This planning bled into civilian life. I kept on getting unhappier and fatter all while to make our family be good enough for society standards  what did I get out of all this? A broken marriage to the point where I don't know if I am worth the effort anymore. Maybe one day Joe will fall for the real me again. How can anyone continue to love someone like me and the monster I became. It has also lead to unhealthy kids. I tried so hard not to hurt them and love and accept them for who they are. While I have done that I have also told them how to think and act  so everything will appear ok. I micromanaged my husband so as to not have him feel like he has too much on his plate but just to relax. All that came from that was a husband who wants to walk out the door. I tried so hard to keep it all together make everything ok all I got was heartache. It stops now! I can't do this overnight. I can't undo years and years of hurt I have piled onto people. I need to learn how to love correctly, I need to learn that if plan A doesn't pan out there is 25 other letter in the alphabet maybe plan P will work. I need to stop controlling  everything and just learn to breath again. As I am stripping away these layers I wanting to learn about me again. I want to know what it means to have fun again. I want to know what it truly means and feels like to have a good solid marriage (hoping I get that chance) I want to know what it truly means to have happy kids. I am not perfect I will screw up. I have to find the balance of good and bad planning. That is a hard thing.

13 years ago.....

Thirteen years ago two kids decided to get married. The lady was 21 and 8 month pregnant and the gentleman was 20 and in the Army. They didn't love each other, their reason for getting married was for the Army to pay for the birth of their child. They decided to get a marriage license in January, with no real date to actually take the plunge. Then Friday, January 21, 2000 they gentleman came "home" and declared that tonight was the night. So they called their witnesses to confirm time and place. He wore a purple shirt, her a crushed maroon velvet maternity dress. They drove to a little chapel outside of Ft. Lewis that was about ready to close for the day, but stayed open for this couple. Inside the chapel was a minister named Chic Jackson. She wore a black cape that had a hood. She lead the couple to a room that seemed so dark, lit by existing Christmas lights that had yet to come down for the year. The witnesses this couple called never showed up, so we had to pay the chapel employees to stand in as our witnesses. The vows were "we'll try" not "I do." No rings were exchanged, it was a quickie wedding without much hope of it lasting very long. The couple left the chapel, married with the whole world stack against them. Went home and went straight to bed. The phone calls eventually came to family to say they had gotten married. No one was really thrilled about their decision, but it was their life, they made a choice. Shortly after they married the chapel they said their "vows" in burnt to the ground.  This couple had to figure out life together, grow up together, and fall in love with each other. I wish I could say that this couple lived happily ever after. Their life is hard, but the sacrifices they have made on the journey have been worth it. Not always happy times, not always bad times.....the most important things is love. Yes, this couple fell in love with each other. Not just the normal love...deep love that was formed out of a beautiful friendship. Love that can conquer any problem any situation. It may take time, but love will win out in the end. One day (soon) they will renew their vows, in a location they choose. They will do it the right way on a foundation of faith.  The important thing now is that they made it, despite all the people who said and still say will not make it. What happened thirteen years ago in a tiny chapel outside of Ft. Lewis, was the beginning of a beautiful love story.

They ask me why I did it....

Lately I have had people ask me why did you color your hair that way. I have teal, blue and purple in my hair. Simple question? No quite so simple. It wasn't out of rebellion...I am 34 what could I possibly rebel against. During this recent journey that I been on with Jesus he has brought up a stronghold in my life that needed to be killed once and for all. I was a people pleaser driven by fear, not the type where i can't say "no". That word is easy for me. I was driven by what people thought of me, I didn't like confrontation, did whatever I could to make people like me...to the point where I sacrificed being the authentic me. I had realized that it was bleeding into other areas of my life. My fiances  my marriage, the way I parent our children, and my friendships and family. So I worked on this, it wasn't easy or pain free. I had to distance myself from the people who would pull me down and land me back to where I was before. I had to learn when it is okay to speak my mind, on the flip side I had to say what I wanted to say once and not take back what I said. That is hard and requires lots of prayer. For me if I am upset or felt like something needed to said I would pray about it and give myself time before I let my emotions speak for me. I didn't want to clean up a mess of words that could make the situation worse.

The other area is the way I dress. I beat most of this before this new journey. This time I had to stop over thinking  I am not nor do I try to be a trendy person. I shop at thrift shops most of the time and that is okay with me. I have had repeat over and over again that "If people don't like what I am wearing they don't have to look at me." No I will not go out in something hideous just because I don't care. I still need to take care of myself, but what clothes my body isn't what makes me me...I run deeper then that.

Now my hair. As long as I can remember I wanted to have my tips died blue and purple. Made appointments and cancelled. I was so scared that the people I surround myself with wouldn't like me or I would be offending them. So to make peace I stuffed what I wanted and kept the idea in my mind. When I finally broke this stronghold and gave it to the Lord, I don't let fear determine my decisions. So I made a hair appointment and stuck with it and now I have the hair I always wanted. Yes, there are people who don't want to look at me or are disgusted by it....to be honest I don't care. If  they really took the time and made effort to get to know me for me then none of these colors or style should surprise them. I can't take my hair with me to Heaven, so I might as well have fun with it while I can. I am more then what you see.

Acts 17:28 In Him we live, move, and have our being. I am not going to let people's judgmental opinions dictate how I live my life.....I live for Christ period. He loves me for me.....I have dropped these heavy chains!! This song sums it all up for me!!

A fresh look

As we move into November there is so much joy in this month, also grief. You see for us the accident is felt all year around. Not just when November 8th rolls around. It should be a happy day considering it is my birthday, but in 2002 that joy changed into thankfulness and sadness  Most of you know about the training accident that took Spc. Stehle's life. (Ask me if you don't and I will tell you) November 8, 2002 our life as we knew it then was altered. Who knew a sinkhole could change one's life....everyone that served along side the rescue or knew Jonathan lost a part of themselves that day.  For my husband Joe it is emotional and physical. The permanent nerve damage in both legs, that will more then likely lead to amputation later in life, and side effects from severe hypothermia. Also, it was the start of the ugly monster know as PTSD. At one point we thought he was healed from the nerve damage but it has come back even worse then before.

We don't know if tomorrow will ever come. So we love without holding anything back. Also, a friendship bloomed in the days following the accident. In that friendship is where we tend to hang out. We enjoy being best friends, more then the mushy gushy stuff. We have learned to bring humor into pain. We laugh our way through tough times. I am not talking about ha ha I am talking about crying while your laughing almost wanting to wet your pants kind of laughing. Through those moments healing has been able to come.

When crying ourselves to sleep is not a good idea we have our late night therapy sessions. They usually come when we should be fast asleep but neither can sleep because of pain both physical and emotional. So we get out the ice cream sit and talk it out sometimes til wee hours in the morning. Almost always waking up feeling refreshed.

He goes to work everyday providing for this family. He could collect enough disability and not work, but to him that is not fulfilling his duty as a man. So he sacrifices his pain so I can stay home and raise our kids. When he comes home he collapses on the couch. The agonizing pain is evident on his face, I am appreciative of all he does for us! When we do have to go out depending on how bad his legs are he will usually walk with a cane. Yes, people stare and have given him nasty looks they don't know that sacrifice he made to save a friend. Let them smirk all they want I know I am walking beside my hero.

I am thankful for ice cream, the vet center, IAVA, and our chats.  I am thankful for the sacrifices Joe makes everyday for the kids and I. We live a content life and a life where joy comes not from material items. I am thankful for the friends who have stood beside us all these years and for Jonathan's family who are very understanding. Most importantly I am thankful to Jesus for loving us where we are at and helping us grow. He shows up not only in the good of life, but also the ugly. Without my faith I couldn't even imagine how my life would be. (Sorry if that sounded like a speech after winning a CMA award)

This monumental year is hard. I found the Soldiers Creed online and read through it. It made me understand a little more where Joe is coming from. Especially the part: "I will never leave a fallen comrade." Without seeing Jonathan being taken out of the tank, attending his funeral, or seeing where he is laid to rest closure has been hard . One day we will make the journey to Texas to see Jonathan's grave. We tried this year, but things happen for a reason and I am trusting there is a good reason why it didn't happen this November. I am proud to be married to this man and wouldn't change anything if I could. Our life is wonderful and we are happy. Our life will not be defined by how many times we have fallen it will be defined by how many times we got back up!!

Stewie's Story

Here is the story of our newest family, Stewie! He is a Boston Terrie/French Bulldog mix. He is a year old and weighs 20 pounds. He has been very well trained and is very gentle mannered. Stewie was rescued from a shelter by an organization call Project Pooch. Project Pooch is based out of MacLarnen Youth Correction Facility. The inmates train the rescued dog and prepare the dogs for adoption (more info at pooch.org) Our kiddos enjoy saying that we got our dog from jail. We met Stewie a week ago and fell in love with him immediately  We believe he fell in love with us also. The other cool thing about all this is another organization called Vets Adopt a Pet. This organization is such a blessing to us. They pay for the adoption of a rescued pet for veterans as a companion pets. It is their way of saying "Thank you for your service."

Stewie is going to be our family dog, but mostly a companion pet for Joe. Companion pets help veterans with the after effects of war and service, For Joe it is helping heal his PTSD. PTSD is an ugly monster that effects so many soldiers. Some deny they have it which is dangerous if it continues to be untreated. Joe isn't afraid to ask for help while dealing with PTSD. I am so proud of him for getting help which helps our family as well. This year marks the 10 year anniversary of Jonathan Stehle's death. Stehle died November 8th 2002 in a army training accident. Then less then 6 months later he and the rest of 1/1 Cav deployed to Iraq for a 15 month deployment. Things happened there that also changed Joe. Now almost 10 years later and we are still dealing with the trauma. This year seems like the hardest one yet and that is why we believe that Stewie came into our lives for a reason. Stewie has brought Joe so much joy. They are still getting to know each other, and it so fun to watch them together. Joe can talk to Stewie about anything and he won't talk back. Seeing the two of them together bring me so much joy. Thank you to everyone who made this adoption possible. We are truly blessed to have this little guy in our lives!!

[Shabby] Apple a day: Why? Because we Love You!

[Shabby] Apple a day: Why? Because we Love You!: Do you know our customers are our very favorite? You all have the best style, we love seeing the fun and unique ways you style our dre...

Through Christ....I did it!!!

When I went to my lung doctor at the beginning of May I got a wake up call that I didn't see coming. When the nurse weighed me I was hovering close to 200 pounds. Yes, I had a mini freak out in my mind. Then the doctor told me that my lungs look awesome and if I take off at least the 25 pounds I gained being on prednasone I will stay in remission longer. So I decided that is what I will do. I didn't know what to do. I started off slow, but then the Lord made it clear that if I don't find my identity in Him I can not suceed in any area. I lost myself these past few years taking care of my family. I let myself go. So I chose to change. I had to conquer many mountains that I didn't know were standing in my way. The biggest one was dealing with rejection. I had to come to terms that some people will always see me a chubby girl, that it is easier for some to regift their junk to me instead of taking the time to get to know me (not saying regifting is bad, the motive behind it can be wrong and a form of rejection), and the biggest one was that to some I will never be good enough. I worked through all that and healed most of the way, I am human so things will try to creep back in. The other thing I had to work on was that I needed to believe what I know to be true. Example: I know that my husband thinks I am beautiful, I had to believe that to be true, I know Christ wants the best for me, but I had to learn to trust Him, and so on. I am so excited I am going through this personal journey.

The other side of weight loss is food and exercise. I had to come to a place where I had no relationship with food. It was just food, and I needed to eat three healthy meals a day. I have to think about what I am putting in my mouth and is it healthy. I didn't take anything out of my diet I just changed my mind set. As I ate more veggies and ate healthier meals my taste for things has changed. I crave veggies over sweets. I get sickish inside if I go two or more meals without fresh veggies or fruit. Joe and I joined a CSA (community supported agriculture). We get a box of farm fresh veggies and fruit every week. We have been forced to eat more veggies and that has done wonders to our family's health. My kiddos love eggplant and are excited when we get some from the farm. Exercise wasn't any issue for me. I love to walk. I blessed to live in a neighborhood with many hills. Our family loves to be active!!

So with all these combinations of things I did what I set out to do. I lost 23 pounds in 4 months. I am on a mission to loose two more pounds by the end of the month. Then I will work on the next 25 pounds. I am looking forward to the challenges of fall and winter when it comes to food, and exercise. The journey is long and challenging at times, but when I slip into my pants that I haven't been able to fit in in almost 5 years it makes all this worth it! For the first time in a really really long time I feel beautiful. Thank you Lord for holding my hand and walking with me through this!!