the rose

We have lots and lots of rose bushes in our yard. When we moved in most of the rose bushes were over grown, some even looked like small trees. Last year we started trimming them down. Some we trimmed before they had a chance to bloom last year. So this year we are able to see all the vibrant colors these roses possess.

That is similar to our lives. We get stuck in a way of thinking, a way of acting and we just over grow in those areas. We ignore the little shoots coming off our stalk and focus on the old growth not the new growth. We want to stay big and strong. Live life on auto pilot. We don't seems to notice that our color starts to fade. The big strong plant isn't so strong anymore. The ugliness comes out and we before long we realize that should have taken taken care of the whole plant instead of focusing on what we deeemed important.

I was like those big beautiful rose bushes in our yard, I wanted everyone to see that the outside was strong and could handle anything. Over time emotions almost became obsolete, cause I was so focused on making my stalk strong. I ignored all the little shoots or warning signs that eventually I would be chopped down and have to rebuild. I wanted what I wanted and didn't realize what I was taking away from my marriage, my kids, my realtionship with Christ and my friends. I didn't grow this way over night. It look time. It grew slow. Married life hasn't been easy as cake. It has been hard. Instead of dealing with it I started shutting down. I wanted to be protected from all the hurt life throws at you. How did that all work out? Not to well.....

February of this year my husband cut my bush to nothing but a stump. Thankfully he had the courage to tell me exactly what I was doing wrong, and how effected him, or marriage, our family. I was shocked at who I became. I loved too much it was suffocating those I cherish the most. I became a control and planner freak...I started to become unlovable. I wasn't the pretty bush I once thought I was. I was a dead rose who liked to belive in the beauty that faded years ago. I ignored all the warnings, until the day I realized it was up to me to regrow.

I am not a stump anymore. I am regrowing slowly. Our marriage is regrowing slowly, our family is regrowing. I am choosing to feel and think emotions (this is a hard one) I am choosing to change for me, not to please anyone else. Since my rose bush came down I appreciate my kids and my husband more. We have fun again. I learned that this city girl LOVES dirt track racing. I love laughing with my kids. I love watching my husband fulfill his dreams of racing, I stood in the way of that dream far too long, but God made a way for it all to happen. His timing truly is the best. We now have a race car in our garage and my husband will be racing a full season next year. I am learning more about our kiddos. I would have missed out on so much if the love of my sweet man didn't prune me down. As I continue to grow I will become vibrant and vivaious. I want to be like the beautiful orange rose that surprised us this year. We didn't know what color would bloom when it is took the bush to a stump last spring. Life is way too short to walk around being numb. I didn't realize who I had become. These last 4 months have been the most enjoyable 4 months in probably the whole 13 years we have been married (Joe agrees).

With the love of my Jesus, my husband, my kiddos, and my friends I will not fade anymore.

p.s. I know that not everything is my fault, I am only acknowleging my struggles. None of us are faultless.