The story of the bike!!

All our daughter wanted for Christmas was a new bike. She out grew the one we got her when she was 5. She found the bike of her dreams right after school started in September. A mint green Schwinn with a banana seat and high handle bars. Kinda like how the kid in the Christmas Story wanted only a BB gun. Well, on black Friday the kiddos wanted to go out to Fred Meyer and see what it was like going shopping at 5am. Joe and I had a plan. So we split in teams. Curtis and I went to one side of the store and Shayla and Joe went to the other side. Curtis and I found her bike, payed for it and snuck out of the store and hid the bike in our back yard til Joe could find a place to hide it. Thankfully, when we headed back to the store the same parking spot was still available and so was our shopping cart. Shayla would have noticed if we weren't parked in the same spot. She didn't know we left. Then the time came for us to meet up and head home. As we were leaving Shayla went straight to the bikes and noticed her dream bike was no longer there. She started crying and became very upset that someone bought her dream bike. I was trying so hard not to laugh. I told her that Christmas was the season of believing. Joe told her that Santa may have already came and got it for her. At least 3-4 times a week as Christmas grew closer Shayla would say, "I am loosing hope for my bike everyday."

Then on Christmas Eve she left Santa doughnuts. She also left reindeer food outside, cheerios for the elves, dog food and a glass of lemonade. When she woke up on Christmas morning she found that Santa had left her a note on her chalkboard:

Shayla,

     Thank you for everything. I especially liked the lemonade. Not many people leave lemonade, especially north of the equator. I have decided you get to open the first present, after you figure out what the clue means. It is on the plate. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

                                                                                                 Santa

On the plate she found our pickle ornament. The one we usually hide somewhere on tree to be found on Christmas day. She went to our room and was puzzled by this clue. Then she finally figured out that she need to downstairs to the basement to where the canned pickles are. Here is how it all went:

She found out that Santa had given her daddy instructions on where to hide her bike. She was so stinkin excited.

Merry Christmas my sweet girl!!

When I heard this...my thought went here:

When I heard this song my mind wandered to all those we lost. Then that thought process exploded when I washed the grave of my high school sweetheart, while my son lay a Christmas wreath in front of his grave. I knew David as long as I could remember. We were always friends, then dated briefly. Never ever in my life did I ever expect to loose him, especially to war. As you grow up you focus on the here and now. You blossom friendships and grow closer with not much thought about the future. You think you are invincible, and think nothing bad can happen. Dying is for old people. Then we all grow up and the realities of life slap you in the face. As I stood by David's grave, I remembered how much he loved Christmas. He loved everything about the season, even eggnog ice cream. It saddens me that I will never be able to see him pass that on to the kiddos I hoped that he had, and the beautiful wife I hoped he would meet.

Then there is Jonathan Stehle. Almost everyday Joe would go to work and see him in the motor pool. They would shoot the breeze. He loved playing with our son when he and I would come to the motor pool. He always was a prankster and and jokester. He was such a wonderful person. Jonathan would wear the tightest jeans and biggest belt buckle when he wasn't in uniform. At the dining out I bet beer that he weighed less then Joe, he didn't believe me and I won a beer!! Jonathan would tell us how badly he wanted a little boy that he could teach to ride bulls. Then one day during a training accident he is gone to be with Jesus. Never in those moments you spent with him did you ever think that it could end, unfortunately it did.

I knew my grandpa was going to be with Jesus, but I wasn't prepared for when he was called home. He beat death before and I thought he would do it again. Not this time. During one of the hardest times of my life, he was gone. You never know when they will be called home.

To all those who have passed away in the OIF and OEF wars who we knew. Joe has served along side so many soldiers, and we are sure that some have passed that we aren't aware of.

I am not trying to be depressing in anyway. I would like to see people appreciate who they have in their lives much more then they do. People throw away relationships and friendships so quickly instead of working on building them. No one seems to talk face to face anymore. Everything is electronic. When they are gone and you wish you had more time with them, why not start now. My challenge is to love those I have deeper. Appreciate those in my lives, and give what I can to friends. I know death is something that happens. All part of a greater plan, but it stinks. So please I hope you join and grow real friendships and relationships outside of computers. Get to know people, so when they do pass you will have all the memories to hold on to as you heal.

Day 8: I am thankful for:

Today I wanna talk about what I am truly thankful for, and that is the cross of Jesus. Two and half years ago in the middle of May 2011, I felt flat on my face questioning everything I believed to be true. I was in the middle of a desperate spot. I had been told a few days earlier that I could have stage 4 lung cancer and wouldn't have much longer to live, plus my dad had just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. The following week I would have a biopsy of my lungs. I was uncertain about a lot of things. I threw my hands up and said enough is enough. I was weeping as I was praying and part of me walked away from my Savior. I didn't know what to do, what to believe, and who to believe in. I remember I finally came to a place in myself where I said "Lord if it is your will for me to live or die, may your name be glorified above everything else."

I found out I have sarcoidosis. An auto immune disease, now i am in remission. I have slowly been rebuilding my walk with Christ. I prefer it to be slow. I really wanted to figure out who Jesus really is. Not what the church or people say He is, but what the Bible says he is. I wanted to heal from my past. In my life I have been through some very dark and ugly valleys...at times it felt like I walked through hell itself. I have been through high of highs and just stayed on an even plain. The painful parts is what I needed to break free from. Through that I realized the joy of the cross. I would lay down each hurt, burden, sin or whatever it was that needed to freed my soul. At the cross there is freedom, joy, peace, love. The God of the universe loves me unconditionally. He has held true to His word " He will never leave me or forsake me." Healing is a lot harder then I thought. It isn't a place you arrive it is a journey you are continually on...If you are hurting and finding yourself seeking something? No matter how hard you try and fill the void with other things or people you will continue to feel empty....I came across this video and it sums up exactly what I am thankful for today. I pray that you will come and fall at the cross of Jesus and be set free! No one is too far gone, or sinned so bad, or failed too bad to stop the love God. Please take the time and watch this wonderful video!

Bullying Stinks

Both of our kiddos have been bullied. Not because they are weak, but because they are nice honest kids. I am not just saying that cause they are my kids. We raise our kids with the values that our parents instilled in us. This day and age it seems that kids are so stinkin' mean to other kids

My son was bullied by his 5th grade teacher. It was a horrible horrible horrible year. My son refused to talk about it and stuffed all the emotions inside until it all exploded. I saw with my son first hand what bulling does to kids who won't express or talk about what they are going through. After Joe and I found out what exactly what was going on we decided to home school him and try and help him build himself back up. We worked on social and behavior skills. We taught him to find his voice and speak up. Our son tried to go back to school in the 7th grade, but was bullied twice both times physically. One time we had to call the police. That was the straw that broke the camels back as they say. He asked again to be pulled out and home schooled again. Over Christmas break we sat down with our son and asked him one question. "do you want to survive middle school or do you want to succeed?" His answer was "I wanna succeed." So we pulled him out and found an online school so that he could finish 7th grade. This year he is enrolled at a local web academy and loves it. He physically goes to the school at least 2 times a week for classes but does the rest at home and online. He is an independent learner and succeeds more at home. He is thriving and successful. The statement "i wanna succeed" is how he beat bulling. He is part of a local Civil Air Patrol squadron, with dreams of flying in the Air Force. Home schooling isn't for everyone, but for us it is a perfect fit!

Our daughter was bullied for over 2 years. It started in 1st grade and ended about a month ago. This little girl that targets our daughter comes from a lifestyle we cannot relate to. This girl and my daughter have been in the same class both years. At the beginning we taught our daughter what it means to be a friend, and encouraged her to show this girl the same things. That only worked for about 5 min. All through last school year we encouraged her to be kind and remember that hurt people hurt people. We taught her how to change her perspective and look at the bigger picture and continue to work with her to a be a good friend. Then toward the end of the school year the bulling got worse. I was told about this song:   

My kiddos love music, and that love has lead to helping them deal with hard issues. This song gave my daughter a boost to stick up for herself. We eventually has to meet with the principle last spring cause the bulling wouldn't let up.  That helped til then end of last school year. Then in September of this year it started up all over again. Even though the principle separated the two girls, hoping things would cool down, we found out quickly that recess was still a big issue. I encouraged our daughter to remember what we taught her and that she needs to be brave. She tried and tried and it wasn't letting up. Then she heard this song by Katy Perry and the dam finally broke open.



We had to teach our little girl to roar. Not roar to insult or bring this other girl down, but roar to make it known that this bulling of herself and her friends needs to end. I told her if she was gonna roar she needed to not hurt this girl. No revenge. So I gave an example of what could be said. I told her that lots of kids want to say this but most are way too scared. If she does this she will sticking up for her friends and herself. What was going on was not ok.  I told her she would be the cool kid if she actually mustered up everything she has been taught and opened her month, plus we told her when she felt like it was time to roar we would take her to get a cupcake at her favorite bakery. The day came and she let it all out, and guess what it worked. That little girl doesn't mess with our daughter anymore. It took almost three years, but the lessons my daughter learned along the way will stick with her. She is more confident in herself. We refused to let this other girl win. School is more enjoyable for our daughter.

Part of me wishes that neither one of our kiddos got bullied, but it happened. I am thankful that we were able to teach them the skills they need when dealing with difficult people. The common thread for both of them is that they want to succeed. That looks different to both of them cause there personalities are so different. We aren't a family who quits or rolls over and lets life take it's toll. I am so proud of our kiddos. If you are or someone you know if bullied I hope you find your voice!!

The monster lurking within

For the last ten plus years our household has undergone some changes. Life changes a lot quicker now then it did before. What we are dealing with on a daily basis is the same as many families are facing, especially those who spouse is a veteran. I don't have family support (on my side of the family) when it comes to dealing with this.  They don't believe my husband has the monster that lurks within...his name is combat P.T.S.D. Don't misunderstand me. My husband is not a monster. He loves me so much. He tells me I am his whole world. (he is mine as well)  He is not abusive to me or the kiddos. He is not a violent man in anyway shape or form. That is a misconception of combat P.T.S.D...vets are abusers. The media only shares those stories of soldiers shooting things or people up and then all the labels come out. My Joe, is the opposite. Quiet, keeps to himself, and loves with every ounce he can muster. He also has severe nerve damage in both his legs, though the right leg is worse. That injury came due to a training accident 6 months before his "vacation" the big sand box we like to call Iraq. The "gift" that has come with this two incidents is P.T.S.D...

Within the last 2 years P.T.S.D has tried to reek more havoc, but because we aren't quitters we don't give him room to grow. We have figured out how to heal and who we can count on to help. If you or your loved ones are struggling with combat P.T.S.D please please please...yes I am begging please seek out help. It will make life bearable and even enjoyable. Here is a list of organization who have helped us and continue giving us support.

http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/

Wounded Warrior has been such a wonderful resource. There mission is this:

"To foster the most successful,

well-adjusted generation of 

wounded service members in our nation's history."

with this purpose:

• To raise awareness and enlist the public's aid for the needs of injured service members.
• To help injured service members aid and assist each other.
• To provide unique, direct programs and services to meet the needs of injured service members.

The thing that I like the most about W.W.P. is that they have a family support program that is separate from the warriors support. 

www.veteranscrisisline.net/

This resource has come in handy for us. I just learned that spouses can call as well. They are a call, text, or click away. It is completely confidential and such a wonderful outlet for those in crisis. Remember crisis is different everyone.

Portland Vet Center

This has been another life saver for Joe. They provide free counseling to veterans. They also have free acupuncture and other programs for veterans and families. The counselors are all veterans who are licensed counselors. We are so thankful for all they have done for us.

Returning Veterans Project

http://www.returningveterans.org/

Our Mission: Returning Veterans Project is a nonprofit organization comprised of politically unaffiliated and independent health care practitioners who offer free and confidential services to returning veterans and service members of the current Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns and their families. Services are available in Oregon and Southwest Washington.

Through returning vets, we have found an awesome marriage counselor. She has been so great to us and is helping us keep our marriage healthy.

The other program we linked up to is no longer up and running is No Soldier Left Behind. Founded by an Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran. This was such a wonderful non profit. Wish it was still up and running.

I am sure that if you looked and reached out you can find lots of resources that can suit you and your needs. If you need help please seek it out. My husband always says "real men get help." We are gonna keep fighting and healing. 

Oh how I love this man!! I am very blessed to be his wife!!

Taking a look back brings out smiles

As I sit here reminiscing of summer, smiles and happy memories flood my mind. I think it would be fun to revisit the summer. The biggest achievement personally is that I have lost 30 pounds. I started in May 2012 and will continue the journey to loose the last 10 pounds and then maintain what I have accomplished.I went from a size 16 to a size 10...size extra large to medium. Want to know how I did it? Weight loss isn't just a physical journey, it is an emotional, mental and spiritual journey. I had to clean out the cob webs that were standing in my way. I also read the book Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. I needed Jesus to come an clean out my closets so to speak in order for me to heal and be my best. Then I had to regain confidence that was shattered and start believing what my husband and friends think of me. I became beautiful inside and out. It isn't easy at all, but the outcome is well worth all the pain and tears in between. The other thing our family decided to so was eat a more plant based diet which we started that last summer. We refine it a little more recently and stopped eating so much meat. We love our fruits and veggies. Joe is the biggest meat eater and he said he doesn't miss meat one bit. That keeps us all healthy.

Joe bought his race car! That was a great way to start off the summer. His dream for as long as I can remember has been to race at a dirt track. Thankfully that dream is close to coming true. He is almost complete with it and will start raising Spring 2014. Such a wonderful thing to see my man smile!

                                                  This is how the car came

   This is what the car looks like now after a rattle can paint job!

Speaking of racing, our family fell hard for dirt track racing. We went to about 10 races this season. We enjoyed the times we had together as a family. We all chose our favorite divisions and racers. Next year we will cheering Joe on. I am looking forward to watching Joe on the track!

Once again we had garden, well two gardens. We had some soil issues but al in all it was a productive year. We were able to can and freeze stuff for the winter. I am looking forward to the cold winter months when we can eat fresh produce we put up!

Joe and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary of our first date September 12. we took our kiddos back up to the Washington State Fair so show them where we had our first date, and where mommy and daddy started their relationship. It seems like we have been together 97 years because of everything we have walked through. To be honest, we probably wouldn't change much if had to do it all over again. The bumps and bruises along the way only make you stronger

Over all this summer has been wonderful. The best part is that we bonded as a family, and Joe and I bonded as a couple. We cleared our schedule and really focused on us. We needed to get our family back on track. Our plan worked better then any of us thought. We all grew close and spent much needed time together. Curtis headed to camp a few times. Shayla had to heal from her sprained ligament in her ankle. There was sleepovers and day trips here and there. I am thankful for this summer.



This year marks 15 years...

 Joe and I met on AOL messenger in January of 1998. I don't know why or what I was looking for when I was searching Ft. Lewis, but who cares now I found Joe. When we first started emailing back and forth he told me he was from Ohio. So in my 19 year old mind I thought he was a fat farmer from Ohio...talk about stereotyping. At the time he was dating a girl from Canada, I was dating someone. We emailed almost daily if not more then once. He eventually broke up with his girlfriend, I broke up with mine.  Joe and I decided we should meet around memorial day of that same year. I sent him a picture of me but he just told me what he looked like and didn't share a picture with me. So my friend and I drove up to Ft. Lewis from Portland to meet Joe. We went to the main gate and waited where he told us to wait. We waited for a while and realized that I got stood up. So we headed up to Seattle for the rest of the day and then drove back down to Portland. When I got home there was an email from Joe accusing me of standing him up. I was mad but kept reading the email. He admitted he couldn't talk to me for this reason: "Hot girls like you don't talk to guys like me." I was livid. We drove an hour and a half to meet him and he chickened out. We kept on communicating and quickly realized we were developing more then just a friendship. I know it sounds kinda stupid to say you can fall for someone you only email, but it did happen. Finally, on September 12, 1998 we met for real. The same friend and I drove back up to Ft. Lewis and met him at his barracks. We then drove up to Puyallup, Washington to the state fair, and that is where we had our first date! I knew when he held my hand that this was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had a little secret back then I wouldn't kiss, hold hands, or do anything else physical with anyone until I knew I was going be with that person for life. To me that was something special to be only given away once.  Joe was my first kiss after we got back to the barracks the night after our first date! I am not going say the rest is history cause we are still in the process of making more memories. We are going go recreate our first date this year in September. I am looking forward to that!! I am blessed to be married to Joe. I knew then and I know now that no matter what we will always be together. He is who God created me to spend my life with!

 

 

the rose

We have lots and lots of rose bushes in our yard. When we moved in most of the rose bushes were over grown, some even looked like small trees. Last year we started trimming them down. Some we trimmed before they had a chance to bloom last year. So this year we are able to see all the vibrant colors these roses possess.

That is similar to our lives. We get stuck in a way of thinking, a way of acting and we just over grow in those areas. We ignore the little shoots coming off our stalk and focus on the old growth not the new growth. We want to stay big and strong. Live life on auto pilot. We don't seems to notice that our color starts to fade. The big strong plant isn't so strong anymore. The ugliness comes out and we before long we realize that should have taken taken care of the whole plant instead of focusing on what we deeemed important.

I was like those big beautiful rose bushes in our yard, I wanted everyone to see that the outside was strong and could handle anything. Over time emotions almost became obsolete, cause I was so focused on making my stalk strong. I ignored all the little shoots or warning signs that eventually I would be chopped down and have to rebuild. I wanted what I wanted and didn't realize what I was taking away from my marriage, my kids, my realtionship with Christ and my friends. I didn't grow this way over night. It look time. It grew slow. Married life hasn't been easy as cake. It has been hard. Instead of dealing with it I started shutting down. I wanted to be protected from all the hurt life throws at you. How did that all work out? Not to well.....

February of this year my husband cut my bush to nothing but a stump. Thankfully he had the courage to tell me exactly what I was doing wrong, and how effected him, or marriage, our family. I was shocked at who I became. I loved too much it was suffocating those I cherish the most. I became a control and planner freak...I started to become unlovable. I wasn't the pretty bush I once thought I was. I was a dead rose who liked to belive in the beauty that faded years ago. I ignored all the warnings, until the day I realized it was up to me to regrow.

I am not a stump anymore. I am regrowing slowly. Our marriage is regrowing slowly, our family is regrowing. I am choosing to feel and think emotions (this is a hard one) I am choosing to change for me, not to please anyone else. Since my rose bush came down I appreciate my kids and my husband more. We have fun again. I learned that this city girl LOVES dirt track racing. I love laughing with my kids. I love watching my husband fulfill his dreams of racing, I stood in the way of that dream far too long, but God made a way for it all to happen. His timing truly is the best. We now have a race car in our garage and my husband will be racing a full season next year. I am learning more about our kiddos. I would have missed out on so much if the love of my sweet man didn't prune me down. As I continue to grow I will become vibrant and vivaious. I want to be like the beautiful orange rose that surprised us this year. We didn't know what color would bloom when it is took the bush to a stump last spring. Life is way too short to walk around being numb. I didn't realize who I had become. These last 4 months have been the most enjoyable 4 months in probably the whole 13 years we have been married (Joe agrees).

With the love of my Jesus, my husband, my kiddos, and my friends I will not fade anymore.

p.s. I know that not everything is my fault, I am only acknowleging my struggles. None of us are faultless.

Who am I?

i wrote this yesterday and shared it with Joe...he told me to type it up and put it on my blog...so here it is
This is unedited, I am typing everything as it was written down, no changes....

Trauma and life's "formula" for right living have zapped every ounce of identity out of me. When did I stop having fun? I don't know when.

I grew up in a fishbowl, I thought I broke it but instead I made it bigger. Being a military wife for about 8 years the demands for a schedule took over. After dealing with trauma the planner really really kicked in. The dr.'s apts 2 hours away, had to plan meals, gas. These were frequent. The field training's took planning. All that turned into a mafia in my life. I lost more and more of me making sure smiles and fake "i am ok's" floated around me. This planning bled into civilian life. I kept on getting unhappier and fatter all while to make our family be good enough for society standards  what did I get out of all this? A broken marriage to the point where I don't know if I am worth the effort anymore. Maybe one day Joe will fall for the real me again. How can anyone continue to love someone like me and the monster I became. It has also lead to unhealthy kids. I tried so hard not to hurt them and love and accept them for who they are. While I have done that I have also told them how to think and act  so everything will appear ok. I micromanaged my husband so as to not have him feel like he has too much on his plate but just to relax. All that came from that was a husband who wants to walk out the door. I tried so hard to keep it all together make everything ok all I got was heartache. It stops now! I can't do this overnight. I can't undo years and years of hurt I have piled onto people. I need to learn how to love correctly, I need to learn that if plan A doesn't pan out there is 25 other letter in the alphabet maybe plan P will work. I need to stop controlling  everything and just learn to breath again. As I am stripping away these layers I wanting to learn about me again. I want to know what it means to have fun again. I want to know what it truly means and feels like to have a good solid marriage (hoping I get that chance) I want to know what it truly means to have happy kids. I am not perfect I will screw up. I have to find the balance of good and bad planning. That is a hard thing.

13 years ago.....

Thirteen years ago two kids decided to get married. The lady was 21 and 8 month pregnant and the gentleman was 20 and in the Army. They didn't love each other, their reason for getting married was for the Army to pay for the birth of their child. They decided to get a marriage license in January, with no real date to actually take the plunge. Then Friday, January 21, 2000 they gentleman came "home" and declared that tonight was the night. So they called their witnesses to confirm time and place. He wore a purple shirt, her a crushed maroon velvet maternity dress. They drove to a little chapel outside of Ft. Lewis that was about ready to close for the day, but stayed open for this couple. Inside the chapel was a minister named Chic Jackson. She wore a black cape that had a hood. She lead the couple to a room that seemed so dark, lit by existing Christmas lights that had yet to come down for the year. The witnesses this couple called never showed up, so we had to pay the chapel employees to stand in as our witnesses. The vows were "we'll try" not "I do." No rings were exchanged, it was a quickie wedding without much hope of it lasting very long. The couple left the chapel, married with the whole world stack against them. Went home and went straight to bed. The phone calls eventually came to family to say they had gotten married. No one was really thrilled about their decision, but it was their life, they made a choice. Shortly after they married the chapel they said their "vows" in burnt to the ground.  This couple had to figure out life together, grow up together, and fall in love with each other. I wish I could say that this couple lived happily ever after. Their life is hard, but the sacrifices they have made on the journey have been worth it. Not always happy times, not always bad times.....the most important things is love. Yes, this couple fell in love with each other. Not just the normal love...deep love that was formed out of a beautiful friendship. Love that can conquer any problem any situation. It may take time, but love will win out in the end. One day (soon) they will renew their vows, in a location they choose. They will do it the right way on a foundation of faith.  The important thing now is that they made it, despite all the people who said and still say will not make it. What happened thirteen years ago in a tiny chapel outside of Ft. Lewis, was the beginning of a beautiful love story.