They ask me why I did it....

Lately I have had people ask me why did you color your hair that way. I have teal, blue and purple in my hair. Simple question? No quite so simple. It wasn't out of rebellion...I am 34 what could I possibly rebel against. During this recent journey that I been on with Jesus he has brought up a stronghold in my life that needed to be killed once and for all. I was a people pleaser driven by fear, not the type where i can't say "no". That word is easy for me. I was driven by what people thought of me, I didn't like confrontation, did whatever I could to make people like me...to the point where I sacrificed being the authentic me. I had realized that it was bleeding into other areas of my life. My fiances  my marriage, the way I parent our children, and my friendships and family. So I worked on this, it wasn't easy or pain free. I had to distance myself from the people who would pull me down and land me back to where I was before. I had to learn when it is okay to speak my mind, on the flip side I had to say what I wanted to say once and not take back what I said. That is hard and requires lots of prayer. For me if I am upset or felt like something needed to said I would pray about it and give myself time before I let my emotions speak for me. I didn't want to clean up a mess of words that could make the situation worse.

The other area is the way I dress. I beat most of this before this new journey. This time I had to stop over thinking  I am not nor do I try to be a trendy person. I shop at thrift shops most of the time and that is okay with me. I have had repeat over and over again that "If people don't like what I am wearing they don't have to look at me." No I will not go out in something hideous just because I don't care. I still need to take care of myself, but what clothes my body isn't what makes me me...I run deeper then that.

Now my hair. As long as I can remember I wanted to have my tips died blue and purple. Made appointments and cancelled. I was so scared that the people I surround myself with wouldn't like me or I would be offending them. So to make peace I stuffed what I wanted and kept the idea in my mind. When I finally broke this stronghold and gave it to the Lord, I don't let fear determine my decisions. So I made a hair appointment and stuck with it and now I have the hair I always wanted. Yes, there are people who don't want to look at me or are disgusted by it....to be honest I don't care. If  they really took the time and made effort to get to know me for me then none of these colors or style should surprise them. I can't take my hair with me to Heaven, so I might as well have fun with it while I can. I am more then what you see.

Acts 17:28 In Him we live, move, and have our being. I am not going to let people's judgmental opinions dictate how I live my life.....I live for Christ period. He loves me for me.....I have dropped these heavy chains!! This song sums it all up for me!!

A fresh look

As we move into November there is so much joy in this month, also grief. You see for us the accident is felt all year around. Not just when November 8th rolls around. It should be a happy day considering it is my birthday, but in 2002 that joy changed into thankfulness and sadness  Most of you know about the training accident that took Spc. Stehle's life. (Ask me if you don't and I will tell you) November 8, 2002 our life as we knew it then was altered. Who knew a sinkhole could change one's life....everyone that served along side the rescue or knew Jonathan lost a part of themselves that day.  For my husband Joe it is emotional and physical. The permanent nerve damage in both legs, that will more then likely lead to amputation later in life, and side effects from severe hypothermia. Also, it was the start of the ugly monster know as PTSD. At one point we thought he was healed from the nerve damage but it has come back even worse then before.

We don't know if tomorrow will ever come. So we love without holding anything back. Also, a friendship bloomed in the days following the accident. In that friendship is where we tend to hang out. We enjoy being best friends, more then the mushy gushy stuff. We have learned to bring humor into pain. We laugh our way through tough times. I am not talking about ha ha I am talking about crying while your laughing almost wanting to wet your pants kind of laughing. Through those moments healing has been able to come.

When crying ourselves to sleep is not a good idea we have our late night therapy sessions. They usually come when we should be fast asleep but neither can sleep because of pain both physical and emotional. So we get out the ice cream sit and talk it out sometimes til wee hours in the morning. Almost always waking up feeling refreshed.

He goes to work everyday providing for this family. He could collect enough disability and not work, but to him that is not fulfilling his duty as a man. So he sacrifices his pain so I can stay home and raise our kids. When he comes home he collapses on the couch. The agonizing pain is evident on his face, I am appreciative of all he does for us! When we do have to go out depending on how bad his legs are he will usually walk with a cane. Yes, people stare and have given him nasty looks they don't know that sacrifice he made to save a friend. Let them smirk all they want I know I am walking beside my hero.

I am thankful for ice cream, the vet center, IAVA, and our chats.  I am thankful for the sacrifices Joe makes everyday for the kids and I. We live a content life and a life where joy comes not from material items. I am thankful for the friends who have stood beside us all these years and for Jonathan's family who are very understanding. Most importantly I am thankful to Jesus for loving us where we are at and helping us grow. He shows up not only in the good of life, but also the ugly. Without my faith I couldn't even imagine how my life would be. (Sorry if that sounded like a speech after winning a CMA award)

This monumental year is hard. I found the Soldiers Creed online and read through it. It made me understand a little more where Joe is coming from. Especially the part: "I will never leave a fallen comrade." Without seeing Jonathan being taken out of the tank, attending his funeral, or seeing where he is laid to rest closure has been hard . One day we will make the journey to Texas to see Jonathan's grave. We tried this year, but things happen for a reason and I am trusting there is a good reason why it didn't happen this November. I am proud to be married to this man and wouldn't change anything if I could. Our life is wonderful and we are happy. Our life will not be defined by how many times we have fallen it will be defined by how many times we got back up!!