The Two Empty Chairs........

I went up Wenatchee this past weekend with my husband and my kiddos, it was the first time being up there since my grandpa's funeral. The thing that was the hardest for me was seeing Gramp's favorite chairs empty. When I walk in the door to their home Grams and Gramps are usually standing up waiting for hugs and kisses. Grandpa would get a hold of me and say hello dear and give me a kiss on my cheek. This time the chair was empty. Though I embraced my grandma, it felt like something was missing......

My grandpa was such a wonderful person to me. He was one of my favorite people. To sound really silly but honest he was my hero, a source of courage to draw from. My grandpa had a lot of health problems that kept him in constant pain. Some have described him as grump, tough, scary. To me he was and will always be just grandpa. He never was too busy for me.

I have so many many memories with him. I remember one time I was spending the night at their home when I was younger, we ended up in Freddies buying gramps new underwear. I remember them buying my sister Jenny and I our Easter dresses. I remember sitting next to gramps at the thanksgiving table, he would tell his other grandchildren that the seat next to him was reserved for me. I remember that I let gramps meet the boy I was dating in High School, needless to say he wasn't the "one". Gramps let me know, but not in words. In 2004 that same "boy" died in Iraq when a car bomb hit his vehicle.

I remember sitting in his home office with him as he shared many stories and photos of years past. I remember his pig collection. I remember he set up his trains and farm equipment in his office. He had a special place in his heart for me. Now his computer chair is empty......the memories will never be empty, my heart will always be full.

I think the important thing or things to me is what he thought of me and how my life turned out. I was a rebellious one and so desperately wanted a place to fit in and feel loved. No matter what I did Gramps loved me through it all. He told almost every time I saw him how proud he was of me. When Joe became a part of my life my grandpa couldn't have been more proud. He loved my husband like he was his own grandson. He would tell people about his service and how he proudly served in Iraq. I remember meeting quite a few of their friends. They would introduce me, and then when they got to Joe they would remind them that this was the one who served in the Army. My kiddos have very fond memories of him. I am thankful my children had such a wonderful great grandpa. Our daughter Shayla was known for climbing up on grandpa's lap during our visits to Wenatchee. In May he was in too much pain and couldn't hold her. She was looking forward to this October so she could sit on his lap again. When he passed away in June the first thing she said amongst all the tears was, I didn't get to sit on his lap again. This October visit came, and Shayla immediately went to the empty chair and sat. Most of the weekend she was just in the chair...........to some it may be a chair but to my 6 year old little girl it will always be more then that.

In May, when I found out how sick I was, my grandpa called me and left a message telling me how much he loved me. I had this strong urge to save the message, which I did. I told friends and family that I couldn't loose gramps during this time of my life. I needed him and for him to know I was ok. I never got to tell him that. I am sure he knows. I remember calling him a week before he passed to get his advice on the drug Prednisone. He told me many a stories of his dealing with the drug. The last things my grandpa ever said to me speaks volumes to me because of humor and the depth in which he cared for me. He said that prednisone will make me fat but to not to worry cause he will love me anyway. What a wonderful man.....I miss you so much!

When Life is Frustrating What do You do?

This season in life is.....well I don't know if words could even come close to describing it. In a nut shell it is hard to push through. It feels like i am standing in quick sand that is trying to consume me but I know that I have no choice but push through and get out. Only Jesus can do that, and he is. Slowly. I am learning to be strong, but know my Saviours arms are stronger. I am learning to test things, and ask questions; while knowing my Saviour will never leave me or forsake me. I am learning about true friendship and what it really is; knowing that the Holy Spirit is my teacher. I am learning to go through life full of emotions, negative or positive; thankful for forgiveness. I am learning the art of disciplining myself to loose this weight, knowing they only way to succeed is exercise, eating right and lots and lots of prayer. Even though I am in quick sand now, I learning how to get out and never go back in. A passage in the Bible that can sum up all of what is going on is:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I have come to appreciate that passage. I have felt all these verses these last few months. God never ever promised life would be easy. He promised that he would overcome the world. Instead of focusing on the negative I think about what the prayer requests he has answered during this tough time. I am thankful for going through cause I am learning so much.