First I felt instant relief. I felt like the band aid on my heart was taken off, a scab formed, and eventually a scar will form. I felt like a weight came off me and I could breath again.
Second I wondered why did it so long to grieve. Then I allowed myself to go back to that difficult time and examine things. Honestly, I didn't have time to think about grief. I had to step into gear and take care of Joe. He couldn't walk up the 6 flights of stairs to our apartment so I had to piggy back him up to our apartment. I had to book lots of medical appointments, prepare for a deployment, raise a toddler etc. I chose to play the game of life and that became a new normal and habit. I had to take care of those who needed me most. I am not bragging about my responsibilities, I am blessed to have them. I am saying that sometimes we are presented with challenges that put things on the back burner. I didn't grieve the loss of any soldier I lost until 3 years ago. I almost lost everything I held dear, because I became callous and cold. I chose to take a sludge hammer to the walls in my life and feel. Really feel, be vulnerable, feel pain, really cry, and just grieve. Grief is it's own animal. I have learned so much. My favorite thing that I learned that I can let go but I don't have to say good bye. I have learned to just ride the waves of grief and heal.
The third happened a few days after we got home in my mind I kept seeing Jon's casket draped with an American flag getting off an airplane. My brain and my body finally excepted that he is home and at peace with his Savior.
I don't know how this will effect my grief long term. I do know that my grief is not going in the same circle over and over. I feel like the circle is broken and I can walk forward. Even though we love and miss those who paid the ultimate sacrifice we know we will see them again!
