i wrote this yesterday and shared it with Joe...he told me to type it up and put it on my blog...so here it is
This is unedited, I am typing everything as it was written down, no changes....
Trauma and life's "formula" for right living have zapped every ounce of identity out of me. When did I stop having fun? I don't know when.
I grew up in a fishbowl, I thought I broke it but instead I made it bigger. Being a military wife for about 8 years the demands for a schedule took over. After dealing with trauma the planner really really kicked in. The dr.'s apts 2 hours away, had to plan meals, gas. These were frequent. The field training's took planning. All that turned into a mafia in my life. I lost more and more of me making sure smiles and fake "i am ok's" floated around me. This planning bled into civilian life. I kept on getting unhappier and fatter all while to make our family be good enough for society standards what did I get out of all this? A broken marriage to the point where I don't know if I am worth the effort anymore. Maybe one day Joe will fall for the real me again. How can anyone continue to love someone like me and the monster I became. It has also lead to unhealthy kids. I tried so hard not to hurt them and love and accept them for who they are. While I have done that I have also told them how to think and act so everything will appear ok. I micromanaged my husband so as to not have him feel like he has too much on his plate but just to relax. All that came from that was a husband who wants to walk out the door. I tried so hard to keep it all together make everything ok all I got was heartache. It stops now! I can't do this overnight. I can't undo years and years of hurt I have piled onto people. I need to learn how to love correctly, I need to learn that if plan A doesn't pan out there is 25 other letter in the alphabet maybe plan P will work. I need to stop controlling everything and just learn to breath again. As I am stripping away these layers I wanting to learn about me again. I want to know what it means to have fun again. I want to know what it truly means and feels like to have a good solid marriage (hoping I get that chance) I want to know what it truly means to have happy kids. I am not perfect I will screw up. I have to find the balance of good and bad planning. That is a hard thing.
